Oh, My Bags are Packed. I'm Ready to Go...with a very broken heart

I am not quite sure how to write this blog post. I want to share with y'all exactly how I feel but I am afraid that I won't find the words to express my feelings clearly. You see, yesterday was my last day of work at the orphanage and hospital. I don't think I fully understood how hard saying goodbye to those little kids would be. I think I overestimated my excitement to go home and underestimated my attachment to these kids. I love each of them so very much. When I walked out that door yesterday, I left my heart with those kids I have worked with and grown to love over the past three months. Yes, my heart is broken. I know that other interns will come and love them. I know they will be okay. I just don't know if I will be...

Saying goodbye is never easy but it is even harder to leave those who you love so much. Those were some of the hardest goodbyes of my life yesterday. I tried to keep myself composed for the time we were there. My kids needed a normal day. All I wanted to so was hug them and smother them with kisses but they didn't need to see me bawling my eyes out for three hours. There were moments during the day when I would tear up but I regained my composure pretty quickly. Well...at least until we had twenty minutes left. Chelsea, the girl who works in my room with me, and I kept looking at each other to see if the other was crying. I was determined to not cry if Chelsea wasn't. My resolve was gone when one of my little boys came and sat in my lap. I started bawling right then and there. Chelsea was a goner as soon as she saw me. You should have seen us...eyes all red and puffy.

Our workers tried their best to comfort us and I am so glad they were there. They were so sweet to hug us and tell us that everything would be okay. I felt like my mom was there even though she is thousands of miles away. Chelsea and I had to make the rounds at lunch where we hugged and told our kids we loved them one last time. It was hard. I saved this one little boy for last. He asks me every single day if I am coming back tomorrow. I dreaded the question yesterday. I knew it was coming and I knew I had to tell him no. I told him that I loved him and then he asked me, "mâine, Selsey, mâine?" I told him no and on of our workers helped me explain that I would wouldn't be back the next day. The last thing he said to me was "nu pa, nu pa" or no bye bye, no bye bye. He kept gesturing with his arm for me to come sit by him. I had to leave him. I think that was the hardest moment of my summer. Forget the heat, endless walking, being sick, the sleepless nights, and the discouragement from the things I had seen. That goodbye was harder to endure than any of that.

I leave Iasi on Sunday. My bags are packed and we are cleaning our apartment but more than anything I want to be with those little kids but I can't. My experience is now done and if I can't be with those kids then I want to be home. I am ready to see my family but I am leaving my heart behind. I will always remember these children. They will forever hold a piece of my heart. My mom told me that was okay because as we love more and give more of our heart away, it grows bigger and has a greater capacity to love more people. It is okay that those kids will forever have my heart. I will miss them so very much. They have been my life this summer. They are the reason I am here in Romania. They are Romania.

Here Comes Goodbye...

So I had an amazing week that ended with an amazing weekend.  Work was fantastic this week.  We started working at a baby clinic with these precious little toddlers.  They are so cute but the clinic is way harder than the hospital.  There are only three workers for 55 kids.  How in the world can that possible work?  It doesn't...The little kids we work with are dirty and smelly.  I feel so badly for them every time I walk into their room.  I wish there was more we could do for them.  They all have attachment disorder and it's super sad to watch.  The little babies just latch onto you which is super cute but hard because that's not suppose to happen.  Those seven little kids bring so much joy into my life.

We had a little girl leave our room but she went back to her foster parents. YAY!!  I am so happy that she could go live with the people who love her and truly care for her.  She was only in our room for a month but I was still sad to see her go.  I had a hard time with her sometimes but one day I had a strong impression that she is a child of God and that God loves her very much.  Of course I knew this already but the reassurance helped me work with her.  It didn't make things immediately better but I had more patience with her after that.  We did, however, have one little boy come back to our room.  I missed him so much and am so happy that I get to spend my last week with him. 

Yes, I have began my last week as a BYU intern.  It's already a hard week and it is only going to get worse.  I was saying goodbye to one of my kids today and he was like "tomorrow?" He asks me every day if I am coming back tomorrow and every day I get to say yes. On Thursday, I will not be able to say yes.  Do you know how much that breaks my heart.  I almost started crying  while he hugged me goodbye today.  I can't imagine leaving these kids.  I want to see my family so badly but we are these kids' families here in Romania. So many goodbyes.  I hate goodbyes. 

On a happier note, guess what, y'all?  I spent the past weekend at the Black Sea!!  I can check that sea off my list, along with the Aegean and Mediterranean Seas.  It was so much fun to spend the weekend there.  It was nice to relax right before we are going to have such a busy week.    I didn't even get too burn.  For y'all that know me, that is a huge accomplishment! I am the most tan that I have ever been in my entire life!  It was fun to spend a stress-free relaxing weekend with these girls who I have grown so close to over this past summer.  I will miss them each so very much.  Thanks girls!!!  Here are some pictures!  La revedere!

 This is a sleeper train.  It is terrifying sleeping on that highest bunk.

 I love these girls.  Me, Michelle, Chelsea, Megan, Angela, Leigh, and Camille

 Just me!

Frutie Drinks...YUM!

 Camille and I

 Me and Leigh

 Proof that I have in fact been in the Black Sea. 

First steps in the Black Sea...It's like 8 in the morning.

 Here we go!!

 The Black Sea

 Megan, Me, Leigh, Michelle, and Angela

Our rescue man...we wanted him to take us on his boat.  He wouldn't...

Little Moments...

Oh goodness.  Can I just tell y'all how happy I am?  Every week is better than the week before it.  This past week was one of my favorites so far.  Nothing spectacular happened but the little things are what matter most and bring the most joy in life.  That is one of the most important lessons I have learned in Romania. So many things that I thought were so important seem trivial now.  Other things that I brushed over and often forgot about are the things that matter most in this life.

The orphanage was great this week.  My little kids got to go swimming and they LOVED it.  It makes me so happy that they find so much joy in just going swimming.  It's such a simple activity that we all take for granted.  Yes, little kids everywhere love swimming but the looks of wonder on my kids faces makes it a special experience.  One of my little boys had his birthday this week.  He had no idea and the look on his face was priceless.  When we were singing the Romanian version of Happy Birthday, he started clapping and singing along.  Chelsea even asked him if it was his birthday and he straight-up said no.  It was about the cutest thing I have ever seen.  He didn't even know the giant cake was for him.  I am so grateful that I got to share that experience with him.

I also got two new boyfriends this week at the hospital.  Yeah, one is 12 and the other is 14.  They were studs and knew how to get the ladies. Ask Rylie and Nicole.  They were patient with our Romanian but no worries...we taught them to say "I love you" in English.  I call that a success. One of my favorite experiences of the week happened when I helped the 14 year old boy back to his room.  He got pulled by a horse and his whole body is torn up.  It was easy to see that he was in some horrible pain.  Anyway, I wanted to make sure he got back to his bed alright.  When he was about to sit on his bed, he stood back up and threw his arms around me and gave me one of the best hugs I have ever gotten.  I almost started crying right then because I knew I would never see him again.  Experiences like this one are the little moments that I will remember forever.

Chels and I were the only ones to go to the hospital on Friday.  It was a little rough doing both wings on eight floors but it was one of the best days at the hospital ever.  Neither one of us had a complete scrub set.  We complete each other...AH!  This made an exhausting day a little more enjoyable. 

As y'all all know, Wednesday was the 4th of July.  Guess what???  Romanians don't celebrate this holiday.  Yep, I worked all day.  It was a hard day.  I think that the Fourth of July is the epitome of the American Summer.  I wanted nothing more than to be at home watching fireworks and eating watermelon with my family.  No worries though, we went to the only "American" restaurant in Iasi called Little Texas.  It was decorated for the Fourth of July and it felt like a little piece of home.  We ate "American" food but Romanian style.  It tasted like American food, just really bad American food.  It was still nice to feel, act, and be American for a night.

 Brownie and Ice Cream

 Apple Pie

I have the best roommates in the world! 

Aislynn, Camille, Me, Chelsea, Leigh

Relief Society at the Branch.  These ladies continually amaze me with their faith and dedication to the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  They are some of the sweetest women in the world.  Thank you to the Soras of the Iasi Branch for welcoming us and helping us while we are in Romania.  They treat us like family even though we are here for such a short time.  

This week was fantastic but it was hard.  Chelsea and I have to start telling our kids goodbye.  We work with the older kids and some of them understand that we are leaving.  We just want to prepare them so we don't just disappear from their lives.  We told one of our girls and it pretty much broke my heart.  Chelsea and I were both sitting there with watery eyes while the girl asked us the names of the new girls coming in the Fall.  It was hard to endure.  She was excited that new girls were coming while Chelsea and I were heartbroken that we are leaving.  It is going to be harder than I ever imagine to say goodbye to these kids.  

Life is great here in Romania but I leave in just two weeks from today.  I can't believe that time has flown so fast.  I am sooooooo conflicted, though.  I don't want to leave my kids but I know that I have too.  With this knowledge, I almost wish the end would just come.  I don't want to tell everyone goodbye.  I am so excited, however, to see my family.  I have realized more than ever that family is essential to life.  I am so grateful for mine.  Love you all.  Oh and it's my little nephew's, Max's, birthday today.  He is nine!  Can any of you believe that.  I was there the day he was born.  Thank you all for your support!  La revedere!

So Much to Do But So Little Time

I have to warn you straight-up that there aren't any pictures in this post. Sorry y'all but I didn't take any this week. I feel like I haven't really focused on the work I am actually doing here. Instead I feel like I have focused on the cool things I get to do outside 9 to 6 everyday. This week's post is different. I want y'all to really understand that my experience here isn't seeing Romania and having epic adventures. Yes, that is part of my experience but it's a small percentage of my life here in Romania. I don't think my blog has really reflected that. Hopefully, this post will clear everything up.

Confession time: Last week was really hard. We went back to work after taking a week off and Chelsea (the other intern who works in my room at the orphanage) and I had a rough go in the beginning of last week. Nothing in particular happened to make it hard. Our kids were particularly whiny but it was so good to see them. I missed them all week. I think it was hard because we felt like our kids lost some of the progress they've made during the two months we have been here. It was hard to see some of our kids slip into old habits when we were only gone a week. I felt like we had to reform bonds with some of our kids. That's hard to take after spending everyday with them for two months. I worry about the months between the time we leave and the time the new group comes. Sorry, I don't mean to depress anyone but I am just telling y'all the truth.

The week got much better though. It was still hard but things got better towards the end of the week. The kids in my room are about the cutest little things on the planet. They make me smile everyday even when they are hitting me or pulling my hair...well maybe not in those particular moments. I have a little boy in my room that I absolutely adore. He is my little mini-me and he loves to follow me around. I wish I could bring him home. I make him work on pronouncing words while we play. He loves to show off the words he knows now. We will be swinging and then he is like "Selsey, maşină." Then he just smiles and wait for me to say Bravo. These little moments, however, make the heat, not having ice cubes, not understanding the language, and not having Reese's worth it.

The hospital was hard this week too. I am in love with this little baby boy there. He is about seven months old and is probably the cutest little boy I have ever seen with his four front teeth. I just pick him up and he just melts into me. I could just sit there holding him forever. But there is another little boy that pretty much broke my heart on Friday. He is brand new and just had surgery on his back. He also has hydrocephalus. We walked into the room and he was screaming because he was in so much pain. We weren't allowed to pick him up but we had no idea how to comfort him. We tried everything without being able to pick him up. He just kept crying. I almost started crying myself. That little boy was in extreme pain but unlike most other kids, he was in a room with another little orphan girl with no one else. They have no one to sit there and rub their backs. They have no one to sing to them. They have no one to love them. I struggled that day. I just don't understand why these little babies have no one on this earth who loves them. I just have to take comfort that God loves them, that Christ knows how they feel, and that angels of God are surrounding them.

I go home in just three weeks. Can y'all believe that. This is where I take a ride on an emotional roller coaster. I am super excited to come home. I can't wait to take that escalator at the Atlanta Airport up to my waiting parents. I can't wait to sit in my air conditioned house. I can't wait to eat a hamburger. I can't wait to go to Utah three days later to see my siblings and more importantly my nieces and nephews. Yes, I can't wait for all of these things, but what about these kids! I can't leave them. They need me!! I can't even think about saying goodbye to them. They need people to love them. I start feeling guilty about going home to my loving family, my nice home, and my American life. How can I have so much and they so little. This is something I have struggled with. I just know that one day it will all work out. It's just hard to deal with the now. I can't wait to see everyone but I am sad to leave. La revedere!