Oh, My Bags are Packed. I'm Ready to Go...with a very broken heart

I am not quite sure how to write this blog post. I want to share with y'all exactly how I feel but I am afraid that I won't find the words to express my feelings clearly. You see, yesterday was my last day of work at the orphanage and hospital. I don't think I fully understood how hard saying goodbye to those little kids would be. I think I overestimated my excitement to go home and underestimated my attachment to these kids. I love each of them so very much. When I walked out that door yesterday, I left my heart with those kids I have worked with and grown to love over the past three months. Yes, my heart is broken. I know that other interns will come and love them. I know they will be okay. I just don't know if I will be...

Saying goodbye is never easy but it is even harder to leave those who you love so much. Those were some of the hardest goodbyes of my life yesterday. I tried to keep myself composed for the time we were there. My kids needed a normal day. All I wanted to so was hug them and smother them with kisses but they didn't need to see me bawling my eyes out for three hours. There were moments during the day when I would tear up but I regained my composure pretty quickly. Well...at least until we had twenty minutes left. Chelsea, the girl who works in my room with me, and I kept looking at each other to see if the other was crying. I was determined to not cry if Chelsea wasn't. My resolve was gone when one of my little boys came and sat in my lap. I started bawling right then and there. Chelsea was a goner as soon as she saw me. You should have seen us...eyes all red and puffy.

Our workers tried their best to comfort us and I am so glad they were there. They were so sweet to hug us and tell us that everything would be okay. I felt like my mom was there even though she is thousands of miles away. Chelsea and I had to make the rounds at lunch where we hugged and told our kids we loved them one last time. It was hard. I saved this one little boy for last. He asks me every single day if I am coming back tomorrow. I dreaded the question yesterday. I knew it was coming and I knew I had to tell him no. I told him that I loved him and then he asked me, "mâine, Selsey, mâine?" I told him no and on of our workers helped me explain that I would wouldn't be back the next day. The last thing he said to me was "nu pa, nu pa" or no bye bye, no bye bye. He kept gesturing with his arm for me to come sit by him. I had to leave him. I think that was the hardest moment of my summer. Forget the heat, endless walking, being sick, the sleepless nights, and the discouragement from the things I had seen. That goodbye was harder to endure than any of that.

I leave Iasi on Sunday. My bags are packed and we are cleaning our apartment but more than anything I want to be with those little kids but I can't. My experience is now done and if I can't be with those kids then I want to be home. I am ready to see my family but I am leaving my heart behind. I will always remember these children. They will forever hold a piece of my heart. My mom told me that was okay because as we love more and give more of our heart away, it grows bigger and has a greater capacity to love more people. It is okay that those kids will forever have my heart. I will miss them so very much. They have been my life this summer. They are the reason I am here in Romania. They are Romania.